Happy World Philosophy Day, my friends! Today I will celebrate by composing a philosophical dialogue between Thomas Nagel, of "What is it like to be a bat?" fame, and Batman, of Batman fame.
Introduction.
It is nighttime. Thomas Nagel is sitting in his office at New York University. All is silent, but a shadow flashes across the room. Suddenly Professor Nagel is face to face with Batman, who hangs from the ceiling.
Batman: (always intensely) You don't know anything about being a bat, Nagel.
Nagel: (frightened) That was the point, and neither do you.
Batman: That's where you're wrong.
Nagel: Consciousness is a subjective experience, and you are no bat.
Batman: (lifting Nagel by his shirt) What does that have to do with it?
Nagel: You cannot know what it is like to be a bat without being one!
Batman: Who is more bat-like than me? I'm hanging from the ceiling! I spend my time in the Batcave, often on the Batcomputer! I'm nocturnal! I dress in black! I have wing extensions for gliding! I talk on the Batphone! I drive the Batmobile! I know what it's like to be a bat.
Nagel: No, you know what it is like for you to do bat things!
Batman: (throws Nagel down and leaps to the floor, landing on his feet) Doing bat things tells me what it's like to be a bat, Nagel. I am Batman!
Nagel: Yes, Batman...
Batman: (strikes Nagel across the face) I am Batman, and I know what it's like to be a bat.
Nagel: You are a man who knows what it is like to do bat things!
Batman: (strikes Nagel again) What I do defines who I am! I am Batman!
Nagel: (bleeding out the nose and mouth) Regardless of what you do, you have a subjective consciousness!
Batman: (kicks Nagel across the floor, into a wall) If you want to keep your subjective consciousness, concede that I know what it's like to be a bat.
Nagel: (moans in agony)
Batman: (stepping toward Nagel) Last chance.
Nagel: (cowering) You know what it is like...
Conclusion.
Batman disappears as silently as he entered.
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