Puzzling Gnosis

Good afternoon, O most noble friends. On this afternoon I wish to speak of newspaper puzzles. For a long time I have been aware that the newspapers contain puzzles, especially crossword puzzles, but such things did not interest me. As a small child I was not so clever as to be able to solve the crossword clues, especially those about strange topics like sport, cinema, and popular music. Incidentally, I still cannot answer those clues (except "Omar Sharif," who is in so very many crosswords), but now I can answer at least several other varieties of clues. For a good many weeks now, I have been periodically obtaining the newspaper's puzzles and attempting to solve them. Obviously, this all started with the crosswords, and then it expanded around them when those hit a dead end, as they invariably, consistently, and redundantly do. I absolutely refuse to look up answers or ask for help, you see, and I have yet to actually finish one. Next to the crossword, though (having failed to finish it), I first found the cryptogram, and I attempted to solve it. In short, I failed, and I have continued to fail ever since. All the same, I keep on attempting them, failing each time. Most recently, however, I encountered Sudoku, which I have been witnessing respectable people working for a couple of years now, I myself making no effort to understand these matters. For many weeks I ignored its presence by the crossword, but being entirely disinterested in the remaining clues, I decided to look over to the Sudoku puzzle, which my brother had begun with minimal (about three squares worth of) progress. Thus I resolved to display my puzzle-solving superiority by solving the grid in its entirety, having never touched such a thing before. It did not work out so nicely, but now I know how to solve a Sudoku puzzle, and it shall join the crossword in my puzzle-working ritual. Likely I shall shun the cryptogram because, unlike Poe, I hate it. If I managed to solve one, it would be another matter entirely, but as it stands I have not. Last of all, the other puzzles appear insipid, and I shall pay them no heed, so now I have a complete newspaper puzzle ritual: gleefully attempting both Crosswords, profoundly pondering the perplexities of Sudoku, and raging against the Cryptogram. Where would we be without ritual, after all? I answer, deader than gnosticism, except Mandeanism which has ritual.