Cristobal Colón

Merry Columbus Day, O philoi, or as they might tell you in England, good day, chaps! What better way to commemorate the celebration of the man known in most of Spain and other Spanish speaking regions as Cristobal Colón than to make writings of him? As the naturalist says, "It cannot be any other way!"

Columbus is one of those poor individuals who has been so cruelly defiled by History that most have little idea of what sorts of things he was actually involved in doing. Mozart is much the same, in part thanks to the infamous inaccuracy that pervades popular music history and in another part thanks to the wonderful 1984 film Amadeus starring F. Murray Abraham as Antonio Salieri and Tom Hulce as Mozart. Many of us may also remember Tom Hulce for his role in the 1978 film Animal House starring John Belushi, the aforesaid Tom Hulce, and a whole host of others. Indeed, it is a similar situation in popular American history, even popular history in general, that the popular folk who believe they know facts in fact know fiction, and that is a fact.

This is a problem, and I have no patience for it. It is as Ben Rand is quoted as having said in another fine film from about the same time, the 1979 film Being There starring Peter Sellers, Melvyn Douglas, and Shirley MacLaine, "I have no use for those on welfare, no patience whatsoever, but if I am to be honest with myself, I must admit that they have no use for me either." Actually, it is nothing like that at all, but no matter.

So Christopher Columbus is a terribly confused character, or rather the populace is altogether confused about him. I suspect this is the same populace that believes the American Revolution to be more historically significant than the French Revolution, or that Roosevelt should be deified for his achievements as president, but when asked what is meant by "Roosevelt" will not be able to distinguish among Franklin Roosevelt (the right answer), Theodore Roosevelt (the wrong answer), and Eleanor Roosevelt (the even more wrong answer). I have no patience for this whatsoever. When you place a Roosevelt's picture next to one of his quotes, please choose a photograph of the right Roosevelt. Otherwise everyone will feel embarrassment and shame, and no one wants that, except perhaps those who thrive on embarrassment and shame.

This concludes our Columbus Day lesson on the life of its namesake. I hope that now your knowledge of these intimate details will be put to good use, correcting and rebuking the foolish and wicked ones who may not agree with me. Peace be upon you all, for a thousand and one generations.