The Music of the Future Strikes Back

Greetings, my most beloved friends! I embrace you warmly and tightly until you need to breathe once again!

Today I am going to speak of music, specifically the music that I can call my own. I am allowed to do this, you see, because I took the liberty of writing it. I have indeed made numerous (not at all alphabetical, mind you, but numerous) musical works. Most of them do not exist. Some may say to me, "But I hear it right now! Look, I listen to it!" or, "Behold, there are sheets of music here with your name on them!" With all due respect, these people are hallucinating things that I simply choose not to believe in. Here today I clarify everything that I will acknowledge, and I detail facts about these works.

Oscillations:
There exist three Oscillations. They are called Oscillation the First, Oscillation the Second, and Oscillation the Third. These Oscillations were composed following basically Arnold Schoenberg's twelve tone system for atonal writing, with notable deviations in the name of aesthetics. The basic form of an Oscillation consists essentially of an A theme based on a series of the twelve tones, followed by a B theme based on the inverse retrograde of those twelve tones. The starting tone is irrelevant. Following the B theme, the A theme may be restated or not, then the whole of the music is to be rearranged backwards, ending where it began. Oscillation the First is scored for solo pianoforte and solo violin. Oscillation the Second is scored for solo pianoforte, solo violin, and solo violincello. Oscillation the Third, my favorite Oscillation, is scored for solo pianoforte and solo violin.

For Great Dishonor
This is a terribly dull and disinteresting work for solo pianoforte and not a terribly pleasing one, either. If nothing else, it should evoke immense boredom (or as the artist says, ennui) in the listener. Furthermore, the dishonor that it was meant to commemorate never took place, for honor took its place. The notes are altogether symbolic and full of esoteric meaning.

Untitled
I pondered and pondered about many things ranging from whales to unicorns to mountaintops to the sea to come up with a title for this one, a piece for solo pianoforte, but I came up with nothing. This is the second-oldest work of mine that I will admit exists. It is based on the whole tone and chromatic scales, and it contains faint instances of polytonality. I rather like it myself.

Adagio
This work for solo pianoforte is not actually titled Adagio. I refuse at present to disclose the true title of this one. Also, you may recall my writings on it here.
It is probably my favorite piece (of my own making, that is), both musically and otherwise. Also, I am able to play it myself, which entertains me greatly.

My Friend the Knight
This work is scored for two flutes, two oboes, two clarinets in Bb, two bassoons, four horns in F, two trumpets in Bb, three trombones, and strings in the number generally associated with an orchestra of this size, which I do not recall at the moment. It consists of thematic material dating from the year 2003, rearranged in a coherent and much more pleasing fashion. I shall speak no more of the original from 2003, except stating that the themes pertained to knighthood even then. It is, I think, a pleasing work, full of heroics and diatonic predictability, but in a good way. There is chromaticism here and there, and I say this to comfort myself. On the whole, I enjoy very much to listen to these medieval escapades (though they do not in any way sound medieval, despite some parallel fifths and parallel octaves), and my heart is filled with joy. Often I wish I had a sword...and a horse...and a suit of armor. Well, I know where to find one of these things...

The Bog of Despair
This work was originally written to play with My Friend the Knight, but I have since split them and refused to acknowledge the existence of their third conspirator. As such, it is scored for the same orchestra. It is written in 3/4 time, and I firmly believe that there are bits of it that might be waltzed. I tend to say this when 3/4 time signatures are involved in my music, except when it is blatantly untrue. The Bog of Despair deals with many of the same images as The Forest, but these shall be detailed later. Suffice it to say for now, The Bog of Despair is written in G minor, the greenest of all the key signatures, and The Forest lurks around (and often modulates to) G minor, the dominant of its C minor. Please note that this association of G minor with green is not synesthetic. In conclusion, The Bog of Despair is about a bog I like to imagine, and it is full of despair.

Ballooning
This is an absurd piece that lasts for precisely thirty-two seconds. Furthermore, half of it is a repeat. It is about balloons, and I have a short film to prove it. Playing Ballooning for tens of times on end seems to me to be an excellent idea, as long as the listener is of sound mind and virtuous in the way of patience.

The Gnome's Grand Adventure
The Gnome's Grand Adventure for strings is based on a theme that was originally composed about dwarves, until I realized that the theme was far too light to possibly portray a dwarf. Gnomes served it perfectly. Thus I added another work to the proud musical tradition of writing about gnomes, which includes such names as Modest Mussorgsky and Syd Barrett. This work was in fact performed once by real, living persons at one point, much to my pleasure. The Gnome's Grand Adventure is supposed to evoke the archetypal images of the adventuring gnome. You know the ones.

The Forest
The Forest is a work for strings about a fictional forest in the early morningtime. A careful hearing should remind the listener of the universal experience of being lost in an ancient forest at night. In this forest, the moon and the morningstar shine overhead through a pale mist of cloud and fog hangs on the forest floor below. The faint flow of a stream is audible in the distance, as is the dripping of raindrops and dew off the leaves of the trees. Hints of light flicker in the East, waking all the daytime forest critters, though certainly the nighttime critters are still on the prowl. The massive trees and dense foliage in the center of the forest stand as a testament to its enduring age. I chose this one for the end because I love it dearly. As I said, it is very much like The Bog of Despair, except that it contains far more mystery and tension and far less despair. If I say so, it must be true!

Rhapsody in Ab Minor
"Wait!" says the informed reader, "I have never heard of this." How perceptive of you, O informed reader. Good work, indeed! I only ever play this on the pianoforte with my own hands, and even then I do not ever say so. It far exceeds the age of all these other pieces, for it came into being in April of 2005. Most of it was composed when there was no pope, by the way. This has no significance, but I think it is interesting. Also, The Forest was completed simultaneously with Saddam Hussein's hanging. If ever you are on Jeopardy!, you may be certain that these questions will not be asked. At any rate, Rhapsody in Ab Minor is not technically very interesting, but it is pleasing to the ear and the eye, as far as I can tell. As such, I will acknowledge its existence. Also, I am not altogether certain where the music is (it was handwritten, you see), so it lives most vibrantly in my head.

So there you have a list of all of my compositions that do, in fact, exist. Unlike some composers, though, especially Jean Sibelius (with whom I am not worthy of mention), I will not burn anything that does not exist to make it really that way. I do not have the heart for it... The cries of a dying C# are too tough to bear. There then it stands. Happy listening, or wishing you could do so, or rejoicing that you listen not! I do not care which!

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If, O reader, I know you personally (I assume this is all of you) and you do have some bizarre (or perhaps wise) interest in hearing these things, I can provide them freely. The codeword is "Fish Heads and Rice."