19 September 2007

For Fear of Soap

"No one ever saw [Satie] wash - he had a horror of soap." -Igor Stravinsky

Indeed, fear of soap is a serious issue, and it is one that ought to be more widespread, simply because it is a rational fear, like the Fear of God. Now, so that Prodicus does not burst into my room in the wee hours of the night to beat my head in with a dictionary, let me clarify. The first two times I spoke of fear, I meant it in the sense of caution. The third time I meant it in the sense of reverence, so a rational fear is not like the Fear of God at all. If you believed me, I fooled you! I knew it all along!

Now, on the subject of the fear of soap, which is still entirely rational, I must admit that I have developed just such a fear over the last two weeks. In my devotion to Hygiene, the vulgarities and poisons of Common Soap have impurified my precious flesh. I am now afraid of this soap, and I refuse to use it in the washing of my hands, because it makes my poor flesh dry and red and unpleasant to the touch. This will not do. Being the wise and resourceful individual that I am, though, a solution came to me in a dream, specifically a daydream. Now I carry my own soap in my pocket, and all my problems are solved. With the occasional use of Norwegian hand lotion, all shall be well again very soon!


Og King of Bashan said...

I really don't understand your germophobia. I promise you if the dirt and germs don't kill you they'll make you stronger. And if they do kill you... I guess you don't really have to worry about impurities once your dead, so that problem is solved too.

Thorvald Erikson said...

I do not fear our bacterial brethren, though I am a speciesist with no particular concern for them. To the point, I mentioned no such fear in the article. The impurity to which I was referring is the caustic nature of industrial soap, and the havoc it has wrought on my poor hands. Phobias are inherently irrational, so I will have nothing to do with them, thank you.

Anonymous said...

ummm.... it still dosn't give me the name for fear of soap..... and whats w/ all the big words dude!!!